Although most red flags can be easy to spot, experts say people don’t always address them when they first appear — or even at all.
Talking to a therapist or someone else you trust is also a good way to work out your feelings, examine the relationship objectively, and figure out whether you want to stay in the relationship.
In a healthy relationship, you and your partner should be able to have an honest conversation about your concerns, Luis Cornejo, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and relationship expert at Clara for Daters, tells TODAY.com.
“It’s important to communicate openly and honestly with your partner about these concerns and to consider your own feelings and needs in the relationship,” he says.
With the help of licensed therapists and relationship experts, we compiled a list of most common relationship red flags to look out for, plus how you can identify and deal with them.
“Communication is a big part of it,” Schiff says. “You know, talking it out and I think in some cases, and I’ve had some referrals come in this way, they’re seeking professional help.”
Schiff says that getting outside help from a third party is also important. In terms of social support, Schiff recommends connecting with friends and family to get their thoughts on your current situation.
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“I know everyone will be a little bit biased and have their own agendas, but I think it’s important to not be with yourself in your own head about this,” Schiff says. Since they likely know you and your partner well, they’ll be able to help you determine if you should “leave a relationship” or “figure it out.”
Being secretive
Honesty and trust are the hallmarks of any healthy relationship. That said, if your partner keeps secrets from you or often beats around the bush, it may be a sign that they don’t trust you enough to share what’s really going on. While some lies might not come off as too big of a deal, Schiff says you should be wary if you feel like your partner frequently lies to you.
Gaslighting
Healthy conflict is one thing, twisting the truth is another. Gaslighting can be used by your partner to make you feel bad about yourself and hinder self-esteem. “If they’re doing things that make you feel insecure, that’s usually a red flag,” Klesman says. If you notice your partner gaslighting you, address them and seek help.
People-pleasing
A partner bending over backwards to keep you happy in all aspects of your life may seem like a good thing, but it’s actually not that great a trait after all. In fact, people-pleasing or sycophantic tendencies can very well be a relationship red flag. “If someone is afraid to speak up for themselves, or they can’t say so no to other people, they might not be showing you the true version of themselves either,” says Morin. “
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They may say they like things they don’t simply because they’re trying to make you happy. Or they may be pretending to agree with you,” she continues, adding that ultimately, you might not get to know the real version of them if they’re a people-pleaser.
Workaholism
“While it’s often easy to see a substance use disorder or an addiction to gambling, an addiction to work might be seen as a positive thing at first. The person may look like they’re a hard worker when in reality, they struggle to step away from work because doing so gives them incredible anxiety,” explains Morin of this common modern-day phenomena.
In this red flag scenario, the person may try to mask their symptoms behind their success, but their addiction to work will make it impossible to have a healthy relationship over the long-term, comments Morin.
Constantly discussing and/or comparing you to an ex
When this pesky relationship red flag seems to hover over a blossoming romance, be wary. “If your partner often talks about their ex, whether positively or negatively, it suggests they haven’t fully moved on,” says Cornejo. “Their emotions regarding the past relationship are still strong and present, indicating that the new relationship may be a way to cope with these unresolved feelings.”
Inconsistent behavior
Klesman often hears from people that their partner will text them a lot and then go silent for a few days. “That’s inconsistent,” Klesman says. “If someone is interested in you and invested, they’re going to show consistent behavior.” The same goes for emotions, whether it’s “being very hot and cold or being very available or not available.”
Verbal or physical abuse
Any form of violence or dangerous behavior is an immediate red flag for Schiff. “They can’t channel their emotions properly in a healthy way,” Schiff says. Disagreements are inevitable in any relationship, but if things escalate to any form of abuse — verbal, physical, emotional —it’s important to remove yourself.
Excessive jealousy
Trust is at the heart of any healthy relationship. So, if your partner showcases extreme jealousy, it might be a sign that they don’t trust you. Aside from that, jealousy can also stem from your partner’s own insecurities, which might make you feel bad about yourself as well. “If you don’t trust them, I think you have to decide if that’s something that you can manage,” Schiff says.
History of infidelity
If a person has a history of cheating on someone else or on you, Schiff says you may spend most of your time in the relationship worrying that it’ll happen to you (possibly, again). Infidelity can also take a toll on your mental health and self-confidence, causing you to think you’re not good enough for your partner.
Doesn’t make an effort to get to know your friends or family
Klesman says their distance from your loved ones might be an indicator that they don’t value their own family or friends — both in the present moment and in the future. Not to mention Klesman adds that people who don’t have any friends can become very clingy and dependent people. “That can be a red flag, unless that’s something you’re looking for in a relationship,” she says.