Letter to sperm thief who gets court nod, $2m child support

By Ediale Kingsley

Crazy but true a sperm thief is smiling to the bank with a baby boy to show for it.

This is the news as reported:

A 40-year-old Las Vegas hotel cleaner won a child support battle against a 28-year-old millionaire who she never slept with.

Jane was 36 when she stole a used condom from a then 24-year-old tech millionaire’s hotel garbage can.

She inserted the semen inside her vagina and became pregnant with a baby boy who is now 4-years-old.

During the child support hearing, Jane confessed that she never slept with the young millionaire and that she impregnated herself with his sperm while she was cleaning his room.

“He left his bank statement on the nightstand in his hotel room and I saw it when I was cleaning, at the time I wanted a baby so bad and I thought it would be better if I had a baby with a rich man”

The paternity test where conducted and the young millionaire is the father. The court ordered him to pay the mother of the child $2 million for the 3 years of his son’s life he missed.

His lawyers said their client is planning to pursue other legal actions against the mother for stealing his bodily fluids and violating his privacy.

Meanwhile, Jane had quit the hotel cleaning job and started a few businesses with her newfound fortune, she still has full custody of her child whom she named after his father.

Ediale breaks the news down in a thoroughly explainable letter to Jane:

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Dear Jane,

You just gave people a tip on how to become wealthy. This can be titled, ‘One Bizarre Way To Have A Kid For A Rich Dad’.

Quite creative and strange. Strange as it looks, this is effective. So what did you do?

You turned 36. Looked into the mirror. And possibly didn’t like what you saw.

You saw a hard-working cleaner in poverty. And you made a decision not to have a child who would have to look into a mirror to see poverty.

And luckily for you, an idea came quick. You also stumbled on a young millionaire. One 24-year old tech mogul. You peeped on his bank statement and discovered he is not just a guy that dresses rich. He had money too.

And what you did next is worthy of a textbook mention. And that is life. Many would have tried to become an old fantasy to the little rich guy. Not you.

You didn’t even need his properties. All you needed was a child for him. A rich kid will grow to become a father to a rich kid. Simple reasoning.

So you went for his sperms. You didn’t rape him. Thank God. You didn’t seduce him either. Rather you stole from him. Now technically no one can steal what was already thrown away.

If I threw away my cap in my trash bag. And you pick it up to wear. I can’t say you stole it. Same thing here, you went for the condoms this dude in his early 20s had threw away in the trash can.

Dude ‘came’ into condoms, while at the hotel, after sleeping with girls who didn’t have the idea you had. Naturally, after the guy was done, he threw the used condoms with fresh sperms into the trash can.

And when you came to clean. You had your own sex. Solo sex. Just you and your future in your hands.

So let me break it clearer. You must have seen the 24-year-old at the door. As he prepares to leave the hotel. He must have tipped you (guys are usually very happy to tip after they cum good).

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You just collected your tip. Waved at him or genuflected in courtesy. And entered the room with your mop and cleaning tools.

So I imagine, you quickly reached for the used condoms. Then played one sweet slow music as you remove your clothes and spread your legs.

On the bed, you inserted the semen inside you. Saying sweet prayers, that the Lord will bless the seed and grant you bumper harvest in 9 to 11 months later.

Well, prayer was answered. And you became a baby mama.

Just like that.

You got pregnant for a rich guy. And years later. Here we are.

4 years passed. Now, you are 40. You look again into that same mirror. And you see a 4-year-old boy. You see his rich dad who is now 28 and wealthier than he was. You see amazing figures being deposited in your account, for child support.

You see the paternity test that was conducted for the young millionaire father. You see the court order requesting the millionaire dad to pay $2 million for the 3 years of his son’s life he missed.

You see your new business since you quit the cleaning job. ‘Levels have changed, and now you are into a business’.

Congratulations. Your mission is accomplished. Your dream came through. Thank God for land that respects the law. I just imagined you did all this in Nigeria.

Okay, let’s not imagine bad things. But some of these baby mamas of our Naija Celebrities actually must have gone through this same route.

Some of the stars were drugged by ‘sharp girls’. They didn’t know what happened. That’s why some of them had to do DNA tests. And it’s not everyone that can confess like you. All these Naija baby mamas will rather lie that they were raped or that they had sex.

But you confessed. That there was no sex or rape. Now how do I borrow a lead from you? How do I meet DJ Cuppy and pretend to leave my condoms near her hotel door? How am I sure she will use the condoms?

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Or do you have another better idea for a young man like me? DJ Cuppy or even Genevieve won’t be a bad idea o.

Your Rich Sperm spotter,

Ediale

#ForThwCulture

PS: I think all poor boys who want their sperm to be stolen and used for a story like yours must say this prayer point:

— Every poor old woman looking for my sperm to use…fire from above, consume them!!!!

Pray it o..

You are poor and now another poor woman wants to do this to you. It’s double trouble o.