Mourinho vs. Pep: A new classico is born

By EDIALE KINGSLEY

FIRST for its intrigue and plenty drama, then for the quality and intense competition that will erupt, many are extremely glad that the Manchester enemy-sisters have appointed the former Barcelona and Real Madrid coaches, respectively. Figuratively, Pep will regalia-zed in sky blue, while Mourinho will adorn his red. But the most interesting accessory in their possession will be the weapons they will both expose in the bid of lashing out mind-games tactics.

Unlike the seasons that featured the self named special-one, one of the many delights of the most recent Premier League season was the refreshingly scant focus on “mind games”, the media concept which seeks to elevate low-level managerial artery to the complex heights of cold war brinkmanship. Ah well. It was nice while it lasted. The advent of Pep Guardiola and José Mourinho to Manchester threatens to create the event horizon of mind games, a black hole of artless man-baiting, into which all rational commentary will be terminally sucked.

Premier League convention demands the bigger plotlines are described as “Shakespearean”, and I note that even before the United appointment was formalized, this was already the case with the Guardiolas and the Mourinhos. Two households not entirely alike in dignity, it must be said in fair Manchester where we lay our scene. And from ancient strife is widely expected to break forth new mutiny (though at the age of 13, Marius Guardiola is at least too young to find star-crossed love with 19-year-old Matilde Mourinho).

Spanish sports newspaper Marca has already depicted Pep and José standing back to back with 18th-century dueling pistols (wearing a Nigerian spectacle, you may see them as Pet Edochie and Alex Osifo with horns of darkness). This feels faintly refined, considering that Mourinho’s most famous move on a member of the Barcelona coaching staff would have been outlawed even in MMA. “A United manager wouldn’t have done that,” opined Bobby Charlton of the eye gouging, back when Man U were still affecting to be not that kind of girl. Still, someone once said that all villains are just victims whose stories have yet to be told, so perhaps Mourinho’s United tenure will see the belated reveal of an origin story that finally explains him sympathetically.

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If not, we may assume that the muscle memory of “mind games” will simply take over. This, certainly as far as Mourinho and Guardiola’s earlier period of co-orbit was concerned, consisted chiefly of Mourinho baiting Guardiola relentlessly for months until the latter finally unleashed a 45-minute monologue at the Bernabéu on the eve of the 2011 Champions League semi-final. Only for a reporter to ask the inevitable of the Barcelona coach: was it a mind game? “What?” scoffed an exasperated Guardiola. “You think my players will run around more because I looked for Mourinho’s camera?”

Many may be looking forward to a Manchester revival of this attritional antagonism; I envy them their endurance. If only we could move into an era of managers who ostentatiously acknowledge each other as worthy foes. You know the sort of thing: despite being engaged in mortal combat, both adversaries still find time to praise the other’s technique. The wryest example comes in The Princess Bride, where the duel between Inigo Montoya and the Man in Black is punctuated by the opponents marvelling cordially at one another’s skills. “You are wonderful!” says Inigo as he lunges at the Man in Black. “Thank you,” replies the latter as he parries expertly, “I have worked hard to become so.” “I admit it, you are better than I am.” “Then why are you smiling?” “Because I know something you do not know.” “And what is that?” “I am not left-handed.”

With a few small adjustments, this kind of absurdly mannered reverence for each other would form a far more satisfactory basis for the remote press conference dueling between Guardiola and Mourinho, and have just as much potential to fry the other’s brain. It would certainly be more bearable for the rest of us.

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Instead of detonating some spiteful depth charge, I should like to see the Portuguese affect a tone of scrupulous admiration. “I would sooner destroy a stained glass window than get him the sack,” he might muse of his rival across town. “However, since I can’t have him catching me on points, I’m going to have to park my bus.”

For his part, Guardiola could simply fall back on Sherlock Holmes’s description of his worthy foe Moriarty when describing the United manager. “He is the organizer of half that is evil and of nearly all that is undetected in this great city. He is a genius, a philosopher, and abstract thinker …”

Yes, like the numerous fans across the globe, I dream of a Reichenbach Derby. But my expectations are set for another El Crassico.