Emotional hijack

THE last few years have witnessed an astronomical increase in domestic violence. Though we might not have accurate statistics to give us actual figures but with the increase in awareness and advent of social media, the stories are now being brought to the fore. You need to first understand that, it is not a problem just in Nigeria. All over the world, governments have put legislation in place to ensure it is totally reduced and hopefully eventually eradicated. Before now, some of these stories will not make headlines in their localities as it was believed to be the norm.

Now you should know that domestic violence comes in various forms and not just the physical ones that are most pronounced. Sometimes it could be sexual, emotional and even mental. A drunken husband comes and insists on sleeping with his wife even though in his drunken state, the security man in the house wouldn’t even want to share his beds pace with him because of the reek of alcohol oozing out of him. A man believes that he has the right to ‘punish’ his wife when she does wrong. A lot of this is based on the social context in Nigeria which is patriarchal and encourages a man to chastise her as a way of improving her. Parents vent their anger by causing bodily harm to domestic servants or even their children all with the aim of instilling discipline. A few times, we have had a few of these children that either didn’t survive the ordeal or were scarred for life.

The new reality we are now faced with is spouses killing their partners. A few years ago, a certain Akolade Arowolo was sentenced to death by hanging for killing his banker wife. He admitted being there and having an altercation but maintained his innocence saying pleaded not guilty saying his wife fell on the knife that killed her even though autopsy reports showed that that she was stabbed about a hundred times. A few months ago there was the report of a lawyer Yewande Oyediran in Ibadan who initially stabbed her husband on the shoulder after they had an argument. He treated himself in the hospital and came home to sleep not knowing she was done with him. It was reported that she stabbed him again sleep leading this time to death. Most recent is a case in Oshodi were the assailant was alleged to have killed his wife over her infidelity.

ALSO SEE: Good family minimises domestic violence, other abuses –Mrs Ambode

Interestingly none of them have ever admitted to committing the crime or defending their actions. Some are even known to come up with some defense that makes it seem, they were not culpable even though all evidence point in the other direction. The crimes all happen in a moment of anger. What happens is that they are filled with wrong thoughts that get a hold of their emotions and causes them to commit the heinous crimes. The phenomenon is known as ‘Emotional hijacking’. It prohibits a person from taking a look or viewing a situation realistically. The person under an emotional hijack may temporarily feel a cognitive loss of control and most times become very harmful like in the cases highlighted.

It is important to know the attacks come in stages. In the first stage, you should be able to identify the trigger. One must perceive and identify an event that you register as a threat. The second stage of an ’emotional hijack’ is to suddenly feel a strong vehement emotion which is caused due to the recognition and identifying of the trigger event by you. The third stage is the automatic reaction that makes you respond automatically based on the trigger and the strong emotion you felt. Mostly, such automatic reaction may make you regret your reaction later. This is because it is not thought of and decided prior to reacting and may have a negative effect on you and others. The fourth and last stage of an ’emotional hijack’ is feeling regret about your reaction.

It is possible to learn how to control your emotions even in the midst of pressing demands. Normally, once your emotions learn something, it is hard to let go. When your check the information that you store in your brain and block out the irrelevant and harmful ones, the propensity to act wrongly is reduced. You need the negative thoughts you hear are not harboured in you because that is what grabs a hold of your emotions and lets you act wrongly.