Childhood “Normal” that was actually trauma: Unpacking the hidden wounds

BY – PRINCESS ALUEDE 

Have you ever looked back at something from your childhood and suddenly realized, “Wait… that was kinda messed up”? Trauma 

A lot of us are only just realizing that things we brushed off as normal were actually traumatic, but you are not alone.

Trauma doesn’t always manifest as dramatic movie scenes or major disasters. Sometimes, it subtly appears in everyday moments that profoundly impact how we perceive ourselves, others, and the world around us.

Trauma isn’t always about dramatic, movie-scene events or catastrophic disasters like natural calamities or severe physical abuse.

While those certainly constitute trauma, there’s a more insidious, often overlooked form known as “small t” trauma. These are the subtle, repeated, or seemingly minor everyday moments that, over time, erode our sense of safety, worth, and belonging.

They subtly but profoundly mess with how we see ourselves, how we relate to others, and our fundamental understanding of the world. The truly damaging part?

These experiences were often normalized by the very people who were meant to protect us, making it incredibly difficult to identify their harmful trauma impact until much later in life.

The most insidious part of this is that we were often told these experiences were “normal.”

So, let’s break it down.

Here’s a list of experiences many of us thought were “normal,” but were far from it:

• 1. BEING TOLD TO “MAN UP” OR “STOP CRYING” Why It’s Not Normal: Emotions are not weaknesses; they are a fundamental part of the human experience. When you are constantly shamed for feeling things, you learn to bottle them up or feel guilt for simply being human. This emotional repression can lead to severe consequences later in life, including anxiety, depression, and even various physical health issues.

• 2. GETTING THE SILENT TREATMENT AS PUNISHMENT Why It’s Not Normal: Silence, when used as a form of punishment, is a powerful and insidious tool of emotional manipulation. It teaches children that love and attention are conditional, and that conflict results in being isolated rather than engaged in healthy dialogue. This isn’t discipline; it’s a form of disconnection that can severely damage trust and communication skills.

• 3. BEING COMPARED TO OTHERS CONSTANTLY: “Why can’t you be more like…?” Why It’s Not Normal: Constant comparison creates toxic self-worth issues that can last a lifetime. You grow up with the belief that you are never truly enough unless you are better, faster, or smarter than others. Even then, the goalpost keeps shifting, as someone else will always seem to outshine you. This isn’t motivation; it’s a subtle, yet damaging, form of emotional abuse.

• 4. WITNESSING CONSTANT FIGHTS AT HOME Why It’s Not Normal: Even if you weren’t directly the target of the yelling, growing up in an environment filled with screaming, threats, or tense silent standoffs wires your brain for a perpetual state of survival. You may become hyper-alert, perpetually anxious, or develop avoidant behaviors in relationships without ever understanding the root cause.

• 5. HAVING TO “EARN” AFFECTION Why It’s Not Normal: Love should not feel like a reward that needs to be earned by achieving good grades, behaving “perfectly,” or constantly hiding parts of your true self. Conditional love trains you to become a people-pleaser, instilling a deep-seated feeling of never being fully worthy unless you are constantly achieving or performing.

• 6. NOT BEING ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT PROBLEMS OUTSIDE THE FAMILY: “What happens in this house stays in this house.” Why It’s Not Normal: This restrictive mindset silences victims and normalizes secrecy over healing. It fosters a culture where abuse, neglect, and dysfunction are passed down through generations rather than being exposed, addressed, and ultimately broken.

• 7. BEING FORCED TO TAKE CARE OF ADULT RESPONSIBILITIES TOO YOUNG Why It’s Not Normal: If you found yourself being “the responsible one” at 9 years old—cooking, babysitting siblings, or comforting your parents—you didn’t just “mature early.” This phenomenon is known as parentification, and it effectively steals your childhood, often leaving you with chronic guilt and severe burnout in adulthood.

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• 8. NEVER HEARING AN APOLOGY FROM ADULTS Why It’s Not Normal: When grown-ups make mistakes and consistently refuse to acknowledge or apologize for them, children learn that power equates to never being wrong. This can lead to significant trust issues, difficulty setting healthy boundaries in their own relationships, and an ingrained belief that they must accept bad behavior from others.

So now that you have realized this, what is the next step?

Realizing these experiences is the crucial first step toward healing. You are not broken. You are not dramatic. You simply finally have the language and understanding for what you lived through.

The best part? You now get to rewrite your story.

You get to choose compassion, genuine connection, and self-care over silence, shame, and a perpetual survival mode.

Whether it’s through therapy, journaling, talking to trusted friends, or simply engaging in the process of unlearning what hurt you, healing is profoundly possible. Now you know, and that changes everything.